Owning the Follow Up

I’ve been thinking about the importance of 'the follow up', and I don’t think it’s because I suddenly discovered something new. It’s more that I’ve noticed how relationships have formed, or not, in my own life that I hadn’t fully named before.

There are people I’ve met who I genuinely liked. Shared moments where we both walked away thinking, we should stay connected. And yet, when I look back, some of those relationships never really developed. Not because anything went wrong. Just because nothing happened next.

That gap has me wondering... When I look at the relationships that have lasted in my life, or the ones that have shaped my career in meaningful ways, they almost all have one thing in common.

We followed up with each other.

Relationship Reinforcement

What sustains it is someone deciding, over and over again, to reach back out.

When I zoom out and look at my own relationships, I see different cycles of connection depending on the person. I check in with my friend David a couple times a year. We don’t talk often, but when we do, it’s perfectly natural. That cadence fits who we are and where we’re at in life. With my other friend Elliot, it’s more frequent. Monthly check-ins feel right for both of us, and that consistency keeps us connected even when life gets busy.

That’s when I started thinking more deeply about how relationships actually form, especially as adults.

I see two forces at play. One is depth of experience together. When you go through something immersive with someone, the bond forms quickly and sticks. High-pressure work projects are a good example of this. You might not talk to that person for years, but when you reconnect, the relationship is still there. You went through something together that created trust fast.

The other force is simply the number of interactions over time. When you see someone regularly and talk often enough, familiarity happens naturally, and trust forms without you noticing it.

As adults, we don’t get much of either by default. We’re not thrown into intense shared experiences with new people very often, and we’re rarely in environments where we see the same people consistently unless work forces it. Which means relationships don’t really “happen” anymore. They have to be maintained deliberately.

This feels especially true in a job search.

NetWORKing

Because the job search puts you in a position where you are, very honestly, hoping to benefit from relationships. You’re hoping someone might open a door. Or make an introduction. Or share an opportunity. Or vouch for you when you’re not in the room.

That can feel uncomfortable to admit. But it’s also true.

I learned this early in my career through a mentor relationship that meant a lot to me. I worked for Kathy for a few years, and she had decades more experience than I did. I valued learning from her, and she was generous with her time and perspective. But I also understood something that didn’t need to be spoken. I benefited from the relationship more than she did.

Which meant it was on me to keep it alive.

Not because she didn’t care. Not because she wouldn’t respond. But because that’s how healthy relationships work when there’s an imbalance in who benefits most. If I wanted the relationship to continue, I had to take responsibility for staying in touch.

That realization shifted how I thought about following up. It wasn’t something to feel awkward about. It was something appropriate to the context and value-exchange.

The Value in Following Up

There are really two ways to make a relationship feel mutually beneficial in that context. One is to offer value where you can. That might be sharing a resource, making an introduction, or passing along something relevant to their world. The other is to make it easy for someone to have a relationship with you.

Following up with them does exactly that.

When you’re the person who follows up, you make the relationship easy. You don’t leave the next move ambiguous. You carry that responsibility yourself, and in doing so, you demonstrate qualities people naturally want to advocate for.... attention to detail, follow-through, respect, and gratitude.

Those qualities make you someone people want to help, advocate for, and support in the job search.

It's also why the old phrase in Sales holds truth: the money is in the follow up. Most outcomes don’t happen after the first interaction. They happen after trust has had time to form.

Small Steps, Big Results

Afterward, I send a message thanking them for their time and for whatever they offered in the conversation. It's a small gesture to show that I appreciated their time and contribution. Then, I set a reminder to follow up at a future date.... removing any chance I'd forget to remember.

When I do follow up, I try to make it relevant. I reference something we talked about. I share an update they might appreciate. Most of the time it’s random, just checking-in. What matters is that the thread doesn’t die.

I don’t expect reciprocity right away. Sometimes it comes naturally. Sometimes it doesn’t, and that's okay. Following up is on you. You can hope the other person will meet you halfway, but you can’t build your strategy around that hope.

If there’s one thing I’ve come to believe, it’s that relationships don’t fade because people don’t care. They fade because no one takes responsibility for the next interaction.

This is where job seekers can create helpful momentum by simply being the person that owns the follow up.